Four years. I haven’t written in a while because I have nothing new to say. How many different ways can I write, I miss Dylan, I don’t want this new life without him or I live in a fog. It’s just variations on a theme - this sucks. My life is a record that skips; every season, every event has the same feelings of loss and emptiness because he is no longer here. Sure new and wonderful people and things come into my life, but it’s just hanging new beautiful curtains when the view out my window is still a dead tree. Today is October 24, 2008, four years ago today would be the last time I would see Dylan alive. I wish I could go back to that Sunday when I was happy, when I was naive, but that is selfish to want. To go back to a time when I was happy – yet for Dylan, only God knows what he was going through. Maybe he had found peace with his decision. I read that once a teenager decides to take their life and formulate a definitive plan, a huge burden is lifted. The despair and pain are temporarily relived, they feel calmer then they have in months. I’ve also read about one 14 year old boy who hung himself, but was cut down within minutes and survived his suicide attempt (which it is extremely rare to catch them within those first couple of minutes), when he was asked did he remember feeling anything? Was he aware of anything when he was hanging? He said, “I was very scared when I knocked down the chair. I kept thinking it’s over; I don’t have to worry anymore.” I can only hope that Dylan was listening to the music he loved and he had finally felt the serenity he so desperately needed to feel. I can say that although my tears still flow for Dylan, I still have never been angry at him for taking his life. How can I be angry at my boy for just needing relief from the demons in his head?
Dear Dylan Every day you are missed. For such a quiet boy, you affected a lot of people. For me your death has tested my inner strength and my faith. My experience with grief has made me look at everything differently; some things in a better light and some things I have decided to walk away from. Your death has made me look deeply at my core beliefs and helped me to define my own spirituality. It didn’t pull me away, but brought me closer, because to be closer to God is to feel closer to you. And there is no better place to be.
In sorrow, mom
in the valley of death / Denise Luirette (mother) I recently read a book about a man who is haunted by a ghost who wants revenge. The repeated theme of the story is “The dead pull the living down”. That idea resonated with me. Not that the dead has pulled me down, I’ve pulled myself down to live with the dead. There are times when I live, times when my surroundings are not so bleak. But on occasions like Dylan’s 18th birthday it’s difficult to see a way out.
It’s dry in the land I live in; only dirt below my feet. I look around and all I see are gray branches, the leaves are long gone. I step around boulders, one after another – they are there to slow me down, but they don’t bother me, I’m in no rush to move forward. I think I want out of this valley of death, but I don’t try too hard to find a way through. Most of the time I find life with the dead comforting, here the dead talk to my soul; Death is now who I am. To be with death is to be with Dylan. But to be with Dylan is to be alone because all who grieve have their own valley to get through. No one can help you; you have to find your own way out. Dylan knew this, he wasn’t in a land of grief, but a land of despair non the less. He knew no matter how many friends he had, no matter how much he was loved, he had to find his own way to make it through. I’ll never know how hard he tried or what routes he attempted to take. I can only guess that he tired of the boulders, and the desolation that surrounded him.
At the end of my journey I will find Dylan, whether I’m still in the valley or have reached higher ground, he and all of the peace that comes with him is my destination.
I know EXACTLY how you feel.... / Gail Wheless Read >>
I know EXACTLY how you feel.... / Gail Wheless
I'm so sorry that both of us know one another's heart. It's a sad, lonely feeling of missing our sons. Our William was 23 years old, a senior in college, and must have felt life was just too difficult for him to continue. It shows that you have read everything you could get your hands on to understand suicide. I'm right there with you. We aren't mad either at our son. If anything, I understand. It doesn't downplay our loneliness for our boys though. I feel I will hurt and miss William until I take my last breath. He was our comedian and had such a cool personality. Yet, some days, we felt we were walking on egg shells. God knows what is best. I will never doubt that. God is walking beside us and I will not let go of His hand. Thank you for your honest website. May God bless you always. Love, Gail Wheless Feel free to visit our son's site. ( William Wheless ) Close
I have never had the words to adequately express your loss. I have been inarticulate and mute and stunted. How to find my words? My tongue is thick with tears. Four years ago a storm came up. It rained that day . And you were lost. But I remember.
keep your head up bill / Brittany J. (cousin)Read >>
keep your head up bill / Brittany J. (cousin) Bill i just wunted to tell u that i know u hurt and its a pain that is permanent and i am very sorry and i hurt as well and we all wish pickle was still here. Its an unberiable pain at times. and i can tell u that when ever me n dyll were joined 4 the summer time at uncle scotts i felt like he was my big brother i looked up at him and he made me laugh like no other and he was a good kid u did n excellent job bill and i know dill loved u so much cuz the way he spoke of u and the look in his eyes when uncle scott told him how great u were bill i know nuthin any 1 ever says will make u hurt less but just know he watches u every day he smiles upon u and looks after u and hed never wunt u 2 blame ur self never bill u were the best dad and u should know that. I wish i had a dad like u i guess what im getting at is keep your head up cuz who ever said dylan couldnt here when u talk i talk 2 him all the time people never fade away in ur heart. just reciently my friend died kennie rae keats and its tough it really is. I can tell u when me n dill were at scotts house he was bbq en and dill was tryen 2 get 2 the first chicken b 4me n u know cakes likes hot food well dill took a big ol bite n smiled at me then he ran 2 the fridge 4 a drink lol hot huh lol hes a good kid u did a wonderful job however u cant keep blaming ur self bill. I am tryen 2 get at the is that yah we cant see him but look to ur heart n ull know hes still there n hill always b a part of u no matter were u go a peice of him always remains when ur hurt look to the 1 place u know u can feel he is and thats ur heart. love ya uncle bill ur my influence and my hero.Close
Mother's Day / Denise Luirette (mom) Some Moms (and Dads) Don't Get a Perfect Ending
-Erma Bombeck
If you are looking for answers this Mother's Day on why God reclaimed your child, I don't know.
I only know that thousands of mothers out there today desperately need an answer as to why they were permitted to go through the elation of carrying a child and then lose it to a miscarriage, accident, violence, disease, or drugs.
Motherhood isn't just a series of contractions; it's a state of mind. From the moment we know life is inside us, we feel a responsibility to protect and defend that human being. It is a promise we can't keep.
We beat ourselves to death over that pledge. "If only I hadn't worked through the eighth month." "If I had taken him to the doctor when he had a fever." "If I hadn't let him use the car that night." "If I hadn't been so naive, I'd have noticed he was on drugs."
The longer I live, the more convinced I become that surviving changes us. After the bitterness, the anger, the guilt, and the despair are tempered by time, we look at life differently.
While I was writing my book "I Want to Grow Hair. I Want to Grow Up. I Want to Go to Boise," I talked with mothers who had lost a child to cancer. Every single one said that death gave their lives new meaning and purpose. And who do you think prepared them for the rough, lonely road they had to travel?
Their dying child. They pointed their mothers toward the future and told them to keep going. The children had already accepted what their mothers were fighting to reject.
The children in the bombed-out nursery in Oklahoma City have touched more lives than they will ever know. Workers who had probably given their kids a mechanical pat on the head without thinking that morning were making calls home during the day to their children to say, "I love you."
This may sound like a strange Mother's Day column on a day when joy and life abound for millions of mothers throughout the country. But it is also a day of appreciation and respect. I can think of no mother who deserves it more than those who had to give a child back.
In the face of adversity we are not permitted to ask, "Why me?" You can ask, but you won't get an answer. Maybe you are the instrument who is left behind to perpetuate what was lost and appreciate the time you had with it.
The late Gilda Radner summed it up pretty well. "I wanted a perfect ending. Now I've learned the hard way that some poems don't rhyme and some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, and taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what is going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity."
a list for suicide / Denise Luirette (mom)
Masquerade Loneliness Inadequacy Failure Obsession Hopelessness Depression Isolation Fear Resolution Decision Rope Chair Suicide Dying Death Resuscitation Body Decomposition Casket Tears Funeral Roses Black granite Heaven Afterlife Angel Jesus Saved Light Warmth Reunion Close
yearning/ Odd Thomas
we yearn for yesterday, for what was or what might have been. But as we are yearning, the present is becoming the past, so the past is nothing but our yearning for second chances. Close
Another Christmas Without You / Denise Luirette (ma)
Tuesday 12.25.07
Here I am again and another Christmas without you Dylan.
Another Christmas without…
Joy throughout the month of December A Christmas tree Stockings hanging on the mantel Buying a gift for you from Guitar Center Being able to walk through a toy department and not cry You eating tamales Christmas morning at G-ma & G-pa’s house Making you ride around looking at Christmas lights & listening to Christmas music You at your grandparents opening presents with your cousins
It’s all so hollow now, such emptiness an absence of true joy.
Dylan, I miss you so much. I pray to God to get me through. I don’t understand why you would leave us, why God didn’t intervene. You were all that we had, why can’t we be normal? I just don’t understand.
It’s 1:25am Christmas morning and I can’t sleep, I heard a song by Faith Hill a few weeks ago and tonight I can’t get it out of my head.
“Where are you Christmas?”
Where are you christmas Why cant I find you Why have you gone away Where is the laughter You used to bring me Why cant I hear music play
My world is changing Im rearranging Does that mean christmas changes too
Where are you christmas Do you remember The one you used to know Im not the same one See what the times done Is that why you have let me go
Christmas is here Everywhere, oh Christmas is here If you care, oh
If there is love in your heart and your mind You will feel like christmas all the time
I feel you christmas I know Ive found you You never fade away The joy of christmas Stays here in silence Fills each and every heart with love
Where are you christmas Fills your heart with love
The first few verses are so true for me, but I haven’t come to the ending yet. I’m 41 years old, I figure if I live to my mid-eighties I’ll have 40-some more Christmas’ without Dyl. I used to think my life was going by too fast. Now 41 seems so young.
I pray for Mary, Mother of Jesus, to watch over my boy until he and I have Christmas together again. Close
How we hide / Visitor
Dear family and friends of Angel Dylan: We all hide what we really feel. Children can be so very confussed about thair feelings. Its so very hard to tell someone how you feel when your a kid. I have a sister that never put in words to anyone what was going on with her till my mother died. Then she knew that someone had to help her if she wanted to live. It was so crazy that none of the family really saw it. So don't beat yourselfs up cause It's hard to see something that's hidden so well. I strongly believe that your Angel could not help himself and that God understands that and took him HOME! He is without pain and sorrow. He is resting with all the other Angels in heaven. May God bless you all and sweet Angel Dylan, may you now be resting in peace. X's to you all-visitor Close
Missing Dylan / Bryan Crowe (Cameron's Dad )Read >>
Missing Dylan / Bryan Crowe (Cameron's Dad )
How is it that I miss a boy I barley new.
Dylan was only in my life a for short time. We never had a real conversation. He was a shy rebellious 14 year old and I was 42..... trying to be the cool dad. I think at best he tolerated me...... but when I look back there were moments.....tiny moments with a connection. It may have been a smile at SuperMex after dinner, when I called Cameron out about a hicky on his neck, or a look after a show at Chain Reaction.
Funny how when someone dies your memories of them become so sharp. As others have said, I have so often thought.... was there something I should have seen...... could I have done something to change the direction Dylan was heading ? My conclusion to that is, if his friends did not know of his feelings or his intentions that day, then no one did. I didn't think about it at the time, but like Dylan I am also an only child. I see simalalarities in his behavior to my own as a teen.
There was something about him that kept my interest....... At the time I think on some level I envied his fierce independence and his close relationship to my son and his band mates. They seemed so focused on their music and the fashion of the lifestyle they wanted to emulate. The days after Dylan's death I spent allot of time with both my sons. Cameron my oldest, told me many wonderful stories about the events of the past summer and the adventures he and Dylan and their friends had. Exploring the Fox Theater, the tunnels under Fullerton HS, walking the trails behind ST Jude. Some times he would quote Dylan. The things Dylan said often resonated with wisdom beyond his 14 years. He almost never spoke if I was in the room, though many times I could hear him down the hall yakking it up with a group of kids crammed in Cameron's room.
I did not meet Dylan's parents, Bill and Denise until the day after Dylan died. I regret that..... mostly because I never new them before their lives were turned upside down. I consider them the closest of friends. They are two of the most caring parents I know. Looking back I think Dylan made a real effort to keep Bill and I from meeting. I guess he thought we would keep tighter tabs on him and Cameron if we were friends.Dylan has become part of my families history... and for me a sort of third son. At each landmark or significant moment in Cameron and Connors life I will think of him....... and with thoughts of him always thoughts of Bill and Denise.
October 26, 2007 / Denise Luirette
Friday 10.26.07 - three years.
Is it getting better? No. Is it easier? No. Is there a day that goes by when I don’t think about Dyl? No. Is there an hour that goes by, that I don’t think about him? No.
In September there is always that one evening when I step out of my office to walk to my car and I feel the first wind of fall and sadness seeps into my soul. Even though I’ve been through the worst on, October 26, 2004, beside his “death day” (or as some people call it, “angel day”) this time of year is a constant reminder of all that was lost on the rainy night; kids are going back to school, Halloween- Thanksgiving-Christmas decorations are in every store, even the grocery store. At holiday parties with our families, I don’t seem to fit in anymore. It all reminds me that part of my life is over, the part that gave me a special joy, a challenge and a sense of being. There is no escaping it.
I still “stalk” (I should say, stare at as they pass by) other boys that remind me of Dylan. I study them and their family; I wonder if the families know how fortunate they are; or do they take for granted that he will always be there, to talk too, to pick-up after, to kiss on the check, to get frustrated with, to hug, to look at their cell phone and see his name calling…
Now every year, five days before he died, I start my count down. He was with me the weekend before, so I start with Friday night and think about what we did together; I try to remember everything we talked about. Saturday buying his Halloween costume. Sunday the last time I saw him. Monday the last time I spoke with him, Tuesday the last day of innocence (for all of us), and in my mind when I go back to those days and I remember not having a care in the world, all was going good. I think how different I was as a person, but that Denise died along with Dylan at 7:30pm, October 26. I’ll never have that light heart again, where my biggest problem was worrying about Dylan’s class grades, it all seems so insignificant now.
I‘d like to go to sleep at the end of August and wake up in January. Close
Its been years, but I still remember... / Classmate Read >>
Its been years, but I still remember... / Classmate
I was just reading this book by Jonathan Safran Foer, "Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close" and I don't know why but I thought about Dylan Hunt. I was his classmate in Jr. High, but I didn't know him very well which is unfortunate. He was in Ms. G's class and I remember Ms. G said something about his jacket and how she had to edit it. I remember Dylan and Ms. G laughing. Anyway, I come to this site and I see so much of Dylan I never knew about. He had a band, he has a great family, friends, etc. I wish I knew that. I know what you guys, the family, is going through as I have come close to losing a good friend. I don't want to say anything about what could have, because anything was possible for Dylan in life.
Even though I don't know much to anything about Dylan nor was I good friends I did notice him. I do remember him. That is what counts. Even strangers feel some affinity to others half way around the world, so in essence no one is truly alone. Close
this time of year / Me
Dylan, three years cant seem right. But as we get closer to the end of October, as it gets colder, as I watch the Halloween decorations go up, the leaves turn golden, I know that it is true. I still think of you daily and pray that you are somewhere where you are able to feel how genuinely you are loved. Close
dylan's myspace / Nicole Degraaf (passer by )Read >>
dylan's myspace / Nicole Degraaf (passer by )
i was just browsing mydeathspace and found this!!
Thanks for sharing / Crystal Hillstrom (visitor to website )Read >>
Thanks for sharing / Crystal Hillstrom (visitor to website )
I just stumbled upon your sons website as it was featured on the main page of memory-of.com. I have sent many parents to your website to check it out because it is so honest and informative. I have lost a two of my sons, one to Muscular Dystrophy and one to an overdose, which seemed like a long slow motion suicide to me. Although I do not know what it is like to suffer the loss of an actual suicide, I do know loss itself. Everything you wrote in your tribute mirrors what I felt but could not explain as well. Thank you for putting it into words. I go a chat room for bereaved parents almost every night. It is through The Compassionate Friends website. It has been a lifeline for me as I have tried to get through the last 3 years. Just thought I would let you know it is there if you would like to talk. Parents there have lost kids in every way imaginable. Whenever I meet a new parents who has lost a child to suicide, I usually tell them about Dylans website and to check it out. Would you mind if I were to share your words here with some other parents? I think they, like me, would like to be able to vocalize their innermost thoughts to their family and friends but do not have the words. Please let me know. I'm very sorry for your loss. Crystal Hillstrom brandon-hillstrom.memory-of.com Close
I,m so sorry for ur lose my heart aches for u and ur family / Kim Miller (another hurting mom )Read >>
I,m so sorry for ur lose my heart aches for u and ur family / Kim Miller (another hurting mom )
We lost ur son to he was killed out in st martins he was a very loved boy as i know dylan was your pain is our pain and i pray for u that god will help u though this time .He has showen me love and strainght even when i thought it was not possibly our son memorial is this oct 15 it will be 6 years for us his name was RYAN RANDELL MILLER GOD BLESS U AND UR FAMILY LOVE AND PRAYS. Close
I'm so sorry for your loss / Nicholle Creapeau (passerby)Read >>
I'm so sorry for your loss / Nicholle Creapeau (passerby)
They think I'm fine and over it Accepted that you died But I live life with all this pain And countless tears I've cried
I am forced to live with endless pain That others can't accept They think I'm fine and over it Or that I'll soon forget
I want to scream from rooftops Or silently just cry I never will be over it My Creator my child died!
It makes no sense to argue My energy is low So when they think I'm over it I simply tell them No
I've become what they have wanted A turtle in it's shell Just keep my thought within myself And never ever tell
I mask my life to others To myself as well For living every day on Earth Is surely more like Hell
Tributes and Condolences
